This post will be…odd. You see, I’m trying to partition off this blog into schoolwork and personal blogging. Allowing my thoughts on what I learn in school to bleed into my thoughts on how I live is completely foreign to me. This website, this blog, these articles are all representative of myself in different ways. To see two parts of myself collide in a place that is not me, the place being this website, is jarring. The articles write themselves, I suppose.
I, as I am sure my readers know, suffer from utterly terrifying and severe anxiety. Somedays it cripples me and becomes a detriment to my life and the lives of others. I have had extreme trouble making true friends who will stick by my side and, in regards to the latest two, I am terrified of making new ones and losing them. My anxiety is relieved and accelerated by technology.
Relief comes when I can easily pull up my bank account, check up on a friend, or turn in assignments with a few clicks and swipes. It allows me freedom to handle a situation that, if handled in the physical world, would be taking much more time and energy than I can afford to exhaust.
The stress comes from its failures or complete incapabilities. When I am instant messaging someone and they say something a certain way, they aren’t really saying it. I have to use the context of the conversation and remember their speech patterns when I speak to them in person to draw a conclusion on any vague message. Some people criticize me when I do this, but we choose our words for a reason. I get extremely anxious when I am messaging someone and the tone of their words shift. Did I upset them? Was a boundary crossed? How did I screw up this time?
Sometimes the incapability of incompatibility is infuriatingly inexcusable. I am afraid to delete pictures because I have to double check how things are uploaded to devices once every few days to make sure that the settings don’t reset. The non-deletion that I am constantly going through makes the storage on my phone fill up and make my emails inaccessible. Inaccessibility to my emails is not an option as a person who has three frequently used email accounts synced to his phone. Also, for whatever ungodly digital reason, emails will only send partially or delete attachments. As a student, this has caused assignments to be turned in late. As an actor, this has caused submissions to become invalid. As a human being, this has given me ceaseless frustration.
To quote an unnamed non-player character in my favorite RPG, “Technology is amazing!” but, man, it can sure make me inoperable sometimes.