My Holidays

This was typed in a fervor. I am leaving it up to preserve the moment, as every moment is important, but these may not accurately reflect my feelings at any other given time. 



Unfortunately, I dread the holiday season. I am an anxious, depressed, bipolar individual who has extreme stress around this time of year.

I put on my happy face and am furiously happy until I am blue in the face. I sing Christmas carols and tell people how much they mean to me (in all honesty, I do both of these year round, I just don’t get complaints during this time of the year), but no matter how hard I try. The cheer runs out everyday.

Everyday, I have a full reserve of cheer ready to be distributed and used to my liking. A full lake brimming with winks, nods, and smiles for anyone and everyone. When I want to compliment people, I give them two. When I want to thank people, I let them know how thankful I am for them. When I want to smile, I have to laugh a little because this year makes me so happy. And that’s why I dread it.

Every family has its fights, every friend has a bad day, every person has to be a little colder somedays. I see all of it. I am always so anxious that I’ll miss something that I read and interpret actions instantly. I know when people are mad quietly. I am also always in the epicenter when people are fighting loudly.

The benefit you get when viewing a cold war of emotion is that you can slowly heat up the feud until the bad feelings drip away. A fight is different. It’s like going into a snowstorm with a match. And when you’re involved, the match is already burnt out.

I won’t go into much detail, but my household has a recurring argument every two months or so. As a solution, I put myself in a position that is emotionally draining and compromises any boundaries I should have with the other members of my household. As I am writing this, I am at work. It is a slow day and the conversations  I’ve had are extremely exciting.

Then I get messages about a fight. A fight about the same thing again. A fight I have no control over and am getting dragged into while I’m at work.

The reservoir drained in a few keystrokes.

I am too young for this.


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