Valley Forge (Demo) – How I Feel

First things first, listen to Valley Forge (Demo) from the Hamilton Mixtape and then finish reading. You might need the context.

It would be remiss of me to share any sort of falsehood on this blog. I believe that the posts made on this website should be completely clear intentionally. Although I have made several posts in a fervor of emotion, I have kept each and every one of my entries with their original intent and integrity.

I am proud to say that, even though I do not believe it is the case sometimes, this is a direct mirror of my life. I am clear emotionally with other people, as I can be, and this presents a genuine idea of who I am as a person. When I am in good spirits, which is, luckily, often, I am jovial and generally warm. When a mood, or cloudburst as I like to say, of depression hits me, I try to signal that to those around me in a way of melancholy acceptance. Aside from the oft jolly persona I give off, the most indicative showing of emotion I give off is when I am upset. I am distant and cold when this happens and it is very clear that I am choosing this type of reaction.

I do not live a life of ice. I prefer to keep my relationships and ideas kindled so they never burn out. Unfortunately, I have encased myself in a shell of frigid layers. The entire year has been travesty upon horror with the occasional pocket of good fortune given to a select group by divine providence. My oratory skills have been my only defense against a year of instability and pain. In the closing days of 2016, I seem to be nearly tapped out of speaking through difficulty.

Fortunately, the endless well of words that I own will never run dry. I can distract any problem with spectacle then slay it with logic. I can rapture my enemies with dazzling displays of multisyballic mania and chain them to my sentences with simile and metaphor. I can create waves of melancholia. I can summon pillars of delight. I can do anything I want to and the literate will bear witness.

Why do I bother warming my ink and paper with literary pyrotechnics if I can’t keep my physical life hot enough to melt the icy barriers I’ve set up?

I direct you to remember the song. Three men have lines in the song. Thomas Paine, Alexander Hamilton, and George Washington. I recently read a biography on Washington (read about it here) and before that I finished the popular Hamilton biography (both by Ron Chernow) and long before that I was reading Thomas Paine’s work to help form my feelings of what I thought my country’s essence was.

The song and The American Crisis  both start with the following:

 THESE are the times that try men’s souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.

In no way am I comparing the struggle and heartache that I have experienced this year to the trials that the colonists fought through during the Revolutionary War, but I am likening my resolve to theirs. The pain that has changed me unalterably this year is only temporary. The cold covering I have encased myself in will, as time passes, melt into warmth and happiness. The pain and terror that I have felt will crumble into dust and be blown away by the welcome winds of change.

I have this resolve in the middle of a harsh winter of my life.

Modesty does me no favors. I have strength in my words and that will unquestionably survive this sheer cold. I will write my way out.

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