I am an actor. I have no current evidence to present that can substantiate that claim, but I believe truly an empirically that I am an actor. Like many artists, I am afflicted with a terrifying variety of mental health issues that make functioning even in the simplest of ways difficult. Actors must be able to function in ways far less simple than those that reality pushes onto us. I have always refused to use these diseases as an excuse however.
I have a great deal of friends who are actors as well. A few of them have even seen me act and continue to push me towards what I ultimately miss. I have the support of friends and family. Most importantly, I have the desire to continue. It is a burning desire that, when properly recognized, makes any and all anxieties paltry piles of ash and soot.
When I see a show, I let my mind wonder how I could have fit into it if I had auditioned. Even when I force myself to audition, I let the disease outweigh the desire and become a nervous wreck. I have self-sabotaged so many attempts at participating within shows around my community because of my lack of belief in myself.
I have let this disease take root and create cavities in my talent. I have let is gnaw at the very infrastructure of my dreams. The disease has maintained me where it wants me.
No more stopping myself. No more ruining my chances before I can even take a shot. I am starved of the adrenaline. I crave acting like I crave moonlight. I love acting like I love the stars. It surrounds me. It drives me. It focuses me.
I will miss it no longer. I will join it again.