All year I have really been ignoring my mood. I have allowed myself bad days, but the worst days I would weather without trying to talk to anyone about them. I would simply ask a friend over and distract myself until I fell asleep.
I began self-harming in very small ways a few months ago to break the overwhelming depression and, for a time, it worked.
Today I went outside, listened to music, decided to kill myself, hugged my Mom goodbye and went into my room and was numb for hours. The reason I am typing this is because I was unable to say it on video or write it in a journal.
I have people constantly asking me if I am okay and I have been lying to all of them. There is a reason this semester was the worst one I ever had. There is a reason I stopped writing anything outside of small journal entries. There is a reason I have spent the last week trying to talk to everyone I can.
I am not okay.
This is an admission and an apology. I do not know how to help myself. I am sorry for lying to you.