Two For One

Inside are spoilers for Doki Doki Literature Club of all fucking things, Jesus…

So, I have seen every episode of the online show Game Grumps. There are literally thousands of videos of two dudes playing through hundreds of different video games. It is, without a shadow of a doubt, my favorite show online. It is not complex, and with that, I feel that it earns that spot. I feel like a third party inside the room they’re in. Privy to the hilarity that ensues from their conversation and always welcomed.

They have always been a remedy to my depression and anxiety. In all honesty, I tell my friends that if I am not up for watching Game Grumps that I am in a scarily deep depressive episode that need immediate attention. They started playing a game called Doki Doki Literature Club. It looked like your basic dating sim and the first 20 or so episodes were indicative of that.

Unfortunately, someone close to me had a twist spoiled for them and they let me know that something was coming. Not what it was, but that something was on the horizon. I reached the episode before the twist and I felt a pit in my stomach.

I watch Game Grumps everywhere I go, including the bath. Sometimes I stay in the bath until all the bubbles pop and the water gets cold. This rarely happens for one particular reason, staying in the bath until all the bubbles pop and the water gets cold was the exact same situation where I had my first suicidal thought. So, it does not bode well when I relive that experience in an environment that is normally safe. There was a trigger warning in front of the episode.

One of the characters killed herself. I held off from watching the next episode for a few days. I made the mistake of watching it before bed. The episode ended with someone beginning to self harm and write about it.

Then, I had my first anxiety attack of the year AND the worst one I have had in a long time. It was one so bad that I contemplated the awful alternative to put a stop to it. I cried and screamed and barely got a hold of myself. I hopped in the shower, breathed, and counted to one hundred. Then I got back in bed and turned on a completely different episode of Game Grumps to fall asleep to.

Then, about four hours later, I woke up and had another anxiety attack.

My normal solution to ending an anxiety attack is an odd one, but one that helps nonetheless. I move my things to the floor and sleep there. It works to get me to sleep, then a few hours afterwards I will wake up and move back onto the bed. So, as usual, a few hours later I woke up and moved back onto the bed.

It isn’t quite sunrise yet. I hope to get back to bed.

Welcome to 2018

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