“Who’s John?”

I read this play called John by Annie Baker.

It has triggered an anxiety attack in me. It is a type of anxiety attack that I only have had once before. It was when I wrote this blog. The stories are entirely different and the characters bear no outward similarities. What these stories do share in common though is that the character that I have the most trouble with is the character I relate the most to at the end of the story.

In this blog, you will not find a summary of the work. Instead, you will find my immediate and visceral reactions. I read this play because it was recommended to me by someone whose opinion on plays I hold very dearly. It is a three act play by a playwright I have already experienced work from. She is a very accomplished playwright and I have yet to read something of hers that I do not enjoy. This is the first time that I have read something since that previous work that taps into a fear of mine that isn’t even expressed during therapy.

I will not be sharing this fear on a public platform. At least, not for awhile. If you read both works, you may be able to understand what that fear is, but, if it is not a fear of yours, then you may not have the same reaction I have.

My stomach is a pit of despair and my anxiety is through the roof right now. I am shaking while writing this because even being reminded that my fear exists is enough to put me into shambles. Trust evaporates and calm slits its throat when this fear is present in my mind. I truly do not know how to handle this without going to my therapist about it.

It may not be a solution, but it is a step towards one. It amazes me that writing about something can trigger this level of pain within a person.

That is the kind of writer I strive to be.

To make someone feel as much as possible.

 

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