These posts are hard to make.
I never want to scare people with these posts, but I am scared by my current situation so I guess scary feelings warrant scary thoughts and vice versa.
I just had a long conversation with God about how I wanted to kill myself. This is really the first thing I have written in a long time and the only reason I haven’t reached out to anyone in particular because I feel like a burden.
I feel like an obstacle to everyone that loves me. Everyone that I love.
I am supposed to be doing online schoolwork, but I can’t do it. My job has me incredibly anxious. I am awful with money. I stupidly give up on anything (relationships, exercise, writing) that is good for me that presents some difficulty.
I haven’t been in therapy in so long. I can’t talk myself down anymore. I don’t know what’s going to help. I don’t know how to ask for something I don’t know I need. I can try and help people all day long without a second thought to me, but I truly don’t have the motivation to even do things. I can barely shower and eat and I even stopped responding to people on my phone.
I miss my parents and brother. I miss my friends that are gone and my friends that are here, that I haven’t driven away completely, are living full lives. I can’t interrupt their living for my dying. Everyday the thought of death invades my mind and I don’t know how to cope with it anymore. I can’t hide it anymore.
I can’t do schoolwork correctly, I can’t do my job adequately, I can’t talk with friends reasonably.
This post isn’t a suicide note. I am at least safe.
But I still can’t really cope with any of this life nonsense.