Suicidal Thoughts: 6-17-2018

These posts are hard to make.

I never want to scare people with these posts, but I am scared by my current situation so I guess scary feelings warrant scary thoughts and vice versa.

I just had a long conversation with God about how I wanted to kill myself. This is really the first thing I have written in a long time and the only reason I haven’t reached out to anyone in particular because I feel like a burden.

I feel like an obstacle to everyone that loves me. Everyone that I love.

I am supposed to be doing online schoolwork, but I can’t do it. My job has me incredibly anxious. I am awful with money. I stupidly give up on anything (relationships, exercise, writing) that is good for me that presents some difficulty.

I haven’t been in therapy in so long. I can’t talk myself down anymore. I don’t know what’s going to help. I don’t know how to ask for something I don’t know I need. I can try and help people all day long without a second thought to me, but I truly don’t have the motivation to even do things. I can barely shower and eat and I even stopped responding to people on my phone.

I miss my parents and brother. I miss my friends that are gone and my friends that are here, that I haven’t driven away completely, are living full lives. I can’t interrupt their living for my dying. Everyday the thought of death invades my mind and I don’t know how to cope with it anymore. I can’t hide it anymore.

I can’t do schoolwork correctly, I can’t do my job adequately, I can’t talk with friends reasonably.

This post isn’t a suicide note. I am at least safe.

But I still can’t really cope with any of this life nonsense.

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3 comments

  1. Rachael Boiko · June 17

    Hi Jeffrey,

    I am reaching out as someone who has been where you are too many times. It sounds like you are overwhelmed and exhausted. You need to rest and take a moment away from all of your stressors. We are what we tell ourselves. Your post contains the word CAN’T more times than I can could count. Every time that word enters your brain you are reinforcing what you think about yourself and it is just what you think about yourself not reality. You are subconsciously creating a negative reality with every thought. You CAN do everything and anything. You are aware of the bad habits that you have in dealing with certain things CHANGE THEM, handle things the way you know that you should from this point on. What do you have to lose? If you are truly at your breaking point, you have nothing to be afraid of, nothing to lose! You are an obstacle to no one. The only obstacle that you have right now is the way that you are looking at the world. Get up, go outside, leave your phone at home, take a walk and breathe. Be grateful for the love in your life and for this moment that you were given to make some lasting and positive changes.

    Rachael

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  2. deviantdaeva · June 17

    It really sounds like you are struggling right now, but I am glad that you finished your post with adding that you are safe. Things can seem hopeless, we can be helpless, hate ourselves for not being able to meet our own expectations, other people’s expectations. And when even the smallest things seem like climbing a mountain to us, then every little step just seems worthless to take, we feel worthless. But this is just a moment, this is a moment in which everything hurts. And it sucks, and it is unfair. But it is only one moment. However much this might seem forever, this is not forever and the moment will pass. No feeling lasts forever, no moment lasts forever. Things can and will change again, better moments will come, maybe even worse moments will come. But this is not forever. All you need to do is to get through this moment.
    It is brave of you to speak up and out. You mentioned therapy, and I feel like it might be a good idea to get in touch with your therapist, what do you think? I really want you to be safe.
    Please take good care of your precious self, you matter ❤

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  3. churchofaeternum · June 18

    “Life Nonsense.” Sums it up perfectly. Who could cope with it?

    It is the curse of an intelligent mind, I’m afraid. To muse over one’s obsolescence. To be aware enough to know we are mortal, and humble enough to avoid any…arrogant presumptions about our worth.

    Yet, it is precisely these types of people that end up being leaders. Intelligent. Aware. Humble. Sometimes, they end up being leaders whether they like it or not. I’ve seen this before many times. Someone like you typically is the emotional crutch of their family, friends. I’d be willing to bet, if you reviewed your life, you’d find that they talk to you about things that…aren’t exactly the easiest to hear.

    It may not be of any use. But I’ve been where you’ve been. I lovingly refer to it as “my madness.” Give my blog post a read (https://wordpress.com/post/churchofaeternum.wordpress.com/29) I sincerely believe it can help. I know the information in it helped me when nothing else would.

    Suicide Hotline: 800-784-2433
    Immediate Medical Assistance: 911
    Crisis Call Center: 800-273-8255 or text ANSWER to 839863

    Or go to an ER.

    After my own journey, in and out of my madness, studying psychology and physics and engineering and medicine….there is one group of people that I would trust with this burden. Nurses.

    Even if you want to give up. Even when the end seems so….simple. Almost logical.

    Any nurse in an ER would stop everything and immediately care for you, talk to you, hug you too should you need it. They don’t judge, they don’t laugh. They have access to tons of free resources. Don’t hesitate to choose life!

    Like

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