Sometimes I watch things and listen to people and I think, “How the Hell am I ever going to be as half as good as them?” The question eats away at me. I see so many talented people, on my screens and in person, doing what they love seemingly effortlessly and that killer question makes them all seem impossible to accomplish anything. What do I do?
Well, I will face my inner demons.I use my voice and put it down on paper (or type it in this case) so I can find some solace.
And I do.
Two feelings have been consuming me over the Summer of 2018, anger and loneliness. Both of these were due to my own machinations and I only recently started dispelling the feelings of anger that were misdirected at everyone, but the source. Here’s the proof of that. I have always been poor at combating loneliness however. I have always known the answer to that is to find peace within myself. When I remember that, I recall a story told on Game Grumps, by Danny Avidan.
There is an old Native American chief who isolates himself on a mountain before taking on immense responsibilities. He stays there for quite some time until a member of the tribe is sent to check on him. They find him meditating on a cliff face. The tribesman asks him what he is facing. The chief responds that there is a war inside his being. His heart, mind and soul have manifested into two wolves. Light and dark. The light wolf represents his strength, ambition, kindness, love and perseverance. The dark wolf represents anxiety, anger, pain, loneliness and fury. They are locked in a battle and the victor gains control of the chief. The tribesman asks that chief which one will win. The chief responds, “Whichever one I feed.”
And there is my answer. Although it is not easy by any means, I have to make an effort to feed the wolf inside of me that will keep those dark feelings at bay. Not ignoring them, but taming them. Controlling them. So, I write.
I have a bad habit of having one-sided conversations with people that I think I have hurt. I automatically apologize to them and feel bad the whole day and then I become anxious when I see them. I have to stop this. I once had a therapist that gave me a perfect analogy for this, I am alone on a tennis court trying to play a match against myself. There can be no winner.
Maybe it is the ideology of the Beatles working eight days a week. It could be the notion of the Undertaker coming back from the brink every single time. It might be the fact that the Flash and the Doctor keep saving people because they keep running. In all honesty, it was all of that, and one more thing.
I believe I can do it.
There’s a first time for everything.