“I’ll Be in the Library at Midnight.”

I have not written anything consistent for quite some time. This is no surprise to me. I have long claimed myself to be a writer, but I, in no way, have the work ethic I believe my idols had. I also feel incredibly lonely of late, I feel like creation is no longer an option for me. I decided to look somewhere completely new. I wanted to look to the people admired by the people I admire. The Beatles, WWE wrestlers, and Leslie Howard.

I started by listening to¬†Rubber Soul, something long overdue, and then I asked my close friends what their favorite Beatles songs are. I am as cuaght up on the product of the WWE as I can be, while making commentary online about how I think the performances of the varying wrestlers stack up against one another and how they hold the audiences interest. As for Leslie Howard, my Mom’s favorite male actor (I do not think I have jumped him yet), I have read about his life, the tragedy of his death, watched clips of him on YouTube and finally bit the bullet and watched¬†The Scarlet Pimpernel.

I learned one thing from all three of these sources. They constantly bury themselves in their craft. The Beatles worked eight days a week, WWE superstars travel and exercise and perform constantly, and Leslie Howard would work on a movie, a Broadway show, and speak in public all at the same time. My motivation to even take care of myself is non-existent. So, how do I fix this. I, unfortunately, am sick and tired of the ‘just do it’ frame of mind that so many of my contemporaries try to force on me. If it was that easy for me, I would be doing it, but it is also just as useful as the gem, ‘just be happy’.

How can I defeat the specter that is zero motivation? Well, the thought just dawned on me. I have to work hard, not for my sake, but for the sake of everyone else until I can understand how to do work for myself. Because when I am working, I am happy.

Unfortunately, I get bad advice from people I love that is drawn from people they admire. The most common piece of advice goes a bunch of different ways. Commonly, I will be stressed or upset about something and the person I go to for advice will immediately blame me for complacency. That I have earned every bit of trouble my way. And, I always feel like they’re right, but then I watch something new. I see Ringo Starr or Leslie Howard or Randy Savage and what they did. And what they went through.

Then I feel okay again.

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Trigger Warning

Things are amiss. I had to throw myself into the bathtub before I grabbed my knife. I just want to be normal and boring and stop hurting. 

I’ve been running from the dark places. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. So many new faces in my life. So many caring people. I’d hoped to choke out the enemy with art and comraderie.

I am sick. I am deteriorating. I crave companionship, but those I long after either have companions of their own or are not interested in me.

Too many times I’ve cried out for other help. In the times where I can’t help myself, I reached for those around me. I can’t act content anymore. 

I tell everyone I’m fine and I smile but I’m just lying and dying. Only my closest friends have any inkling about what’s happening to me.

I’m crying out through my writing again because the tempting arms of death are scratching at my throat. 

I want to die, but know I shouldn’t. I can only call attention to my affliction and prune in the heated tub. Isolate myself from everyone and wish for freedom from this godforsaken hellish existence.

Don’t pity the unreliable actor. Don’t exult the slothly writer. Fear for him. Despite everything he still creeps closer to the open arms of oblivion. 

Goals unaccomplished, promises unfulfilled, companionship unrequited. Damn him and his weakness.

I’m so sorry.

EMC 2410 10/15/2015

Wowsers, my first WordPress blog post. I can say that this is quite different from my usual Tumblr set up. Well, my assignment was to write about “J & K in the Morning” and so I will. They all seemed like good hosts, but 5 people talking at the same time for an entirety of a Podcast can be tiresome to listen to. All of their topics were relevant to me in some way, but the order they were presented in made it hard to remember what was discussed. Also, because there were more than 2-3 hosts, I couldn’t discern which person said what. If I disagreed, I couldn’t tell you who I was disagreeing with. They get points in my book for keeping the conversation interesting and being able to move from one topic to another, I just wish it wasn’t as cluttered as it ended up being.