Trigger Warning

Things are amiss. I had to throw myself into the bathtub before I grabbed my knife. I just want to be normal and boring and stop hurting. 

I’ve been running from the dark places. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. So many new faces in my life. So many caring people. I’d hoped to choke out the enemy with art and comraderie.

I am sick. I am deteriorating. I crave companionship, but those I long after either have companions of their own or are not interested in me.

Too many times I’ve cried out for other help. In the times where I can’t help myself, I reached for those around me. I can’t act content anymore. 

I tell everyone I’m fine and I smile but I’m just lying and dying. Only my closest friends have any inkling about what’s happening to me.

I’m crying out through my writing again because the tempting arms of death are scratching at my throat. 

I want to die, but know I shouldn’t. I can only call attention to my affliction and prune in the heated tub. Isolate myself from everyone and wish for freedom from this godforsaken hellish existence.

Don’t pity the unreliable actor. Don’t exult the slothly writer. Fear for him. Despite everything he still creeps closer to the open arms of oblivion. 

Goals unaccomplished, promises unfulfilled, companionship unrequited. Damn him and his weakness.

I’m so sorry.

Advertisements

EMC 2410 10/15/2015

Wowsers, my first WordPress blog post. I can say that this is quite different from my usual Tumblr set up. Well, my assignment was to write about “J & K in the Morning” and so I will. They all seemed like good hosts, but 5 people talking at the same time for an entirety of a Podcast can be tiresome to listen to. All of their topics were relevant to me in some way, but the order they were presented in made it hard to remember what was discussed. Also, because there were more than 2-3 hosts, I couldn’t discern which person said what. If I disagreed, I couldn’t tell you who I was disagreeing with. They get points in my book for keeping the conversation interesting and being able to move from one topic to another, I just wish it wasn’t as cluttered as it ended up being.